Size Does Matter and Other Such Lies

I've posted before about how hard it is to find a pair of jeans that fit and flatter. This is not an easy thing for any woman, obviously. I truly envy men. Their jeans seem to fit and flatter no matter what their body type. And shirts are shirts regardless.

The Chest poses problems in women that men can only dream about. (And we all know that they do.) Whether you're an A or a DD, there are problems to be had, and none are trifling.

I was an A Before Kids. I was painfully small. Blouses which were low-cut didn't quite look right because there was nothing to fill it out and cause a great divide. It simply plunged between nothing and nothing. When I had my wedding dress altered, the seamstress asked if I wanted padding sewn in. Well, thank you! That would be wonderful. "Are you a B?" No, an A, I tried to say as quietly as I could so as not to announce to the entire store that I was in desperate need, not just kinda needy. But she ranted the whole way to the back of the store that she didn't even know if they had A cups to sew in. An A?!

Well, who wouldn't need padding worse than an A? What, you carry padding for DD's? Because, hello, they don't need it!

And then pregnancy took over. I gained a cup size after my first child was weaned. It was bliss. I was a B! But there was a problem. I've always been a tad bit lopsided. As in, I'm not symmetrical. It wasn't so very noticeable as an A, but now I was more like a A.5 and a B. Weird. And you could kind of tell, if you took the time to notice.

After weaning the second child and shrinking back out of the horror that the fashion industry calls a nursing bra, I had gained yet another cup size. How great is that?! I once was an A, but now I'm a C! Truly, I was singing praises over this. Except - you guessed it. It was more like a B/C. No halves going on this time. Try getting a bra to fit that.

Saleslady: So what size are you looking for?
Me: I'm not really sure.
Saleslady: What size do you normally wear? B? C?
Me: Yes.
Saleslady: I'm confused.
Me: So am I. How does this happen?

So I avoid stores that measure you (hi, Victoria's Secret!) so as to avoid as much embarrassment as possible over the lopsided boobies I have going on. I wear whatever bra fits the mood of the day. Do I feel like spilling out on the large side today, or would I rather have an empty, gaping cup?

Maybe I could tell people that I only had enough money to have one side enhanced at a time.

(And that's not me in the picture, just in case you're wondering. Remember, I had nothing going on when I wore a white gown.)

27 comments:

Driving With the Brakes On said...

Thank you for talking about this! I have lived in a nursing bra for the last 2.5 years, and am terrified of the day I return to a bra who's only hook is in the back . . . they are different sizes, one hangs lower than the other, and they are several inches below their original location. The older I get and the more children I produce, the more I recall that NONE of this was mentioned when they forced us to take Sex Ed. in school . . . forget condoms! Tell me what a baby does to a woman's body, and it will be a good while before I touch a man!

(So glad everyone is getting better, and that Micah is on the mend!)

Karen said...

Amen to that, sister! Don't even get me started on the droop. I resemble a milk cow that's gone dry, and it's not pretty.

girlymom said...

This is good!!! Hee hee hee. I am not the only one- YES!!! Ok, I'll stop celebrating. Funny story...on my WEDDING DAY, right before I'm about to get in my position to walk down the aisle, my mom walks over, checks me out, gets all sentimental and then tells me to pick one up a bit because I'm lopsided. NEVER before this moment did I ever know I was lopsided. Now right before walking down the aisle I am made aware of this- I have never let her forget this and give her the guilt trip all the time! Maybe we can start a new business providing multiple size cup bras to lopsided women- what do ya think? Are ya in? :)

Flea said...

I absolutely LOVE Lane Bryant's bras for lift and separation of my DD girls. It was so exciting, after years of nursing, to find the top half of my figure again.

I used to pad bras for a woman who had a double mastectomy. Just go to Hancocks or JoAnns and pick up bra inserts, then sew one in to the smaller cup.

Melissa said...

I thought every woman had variances? That's what everyone always told me. I am the same one bigger one smaller. Like you said, buying a bra is a crapshoot. I'm glad you blogged about this, at least I'm not the only one suffering. I think I'll start buying two bras and sewing them together...hmm, I might just be on to something...

Karen said...

I had no idea this was such a prevalent problem. Weird women of the world, unite! We'll start an Etsy store of custom sized bras, to fit every boob, not just every woman.

Melissa - I've thought of buying, cutting and pasting but I'm just too cheap to spend twice as much on bras and then throw the other half away. This is where that Etsy store comes in handy.

Karen said...

Girlymom - maybe that's you in the picture, just before walking down the aisle. ;)

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I'm super-short, narrow-shouldered, and a double-D. There are maybe two styles of shirts I can wear without looking ridiculous. And I am so grateful that my teen daughter is not going to be similarly endowed (and so is she!).

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I have just thought of names for the cousins: Puff and Beep. Puff is the bigger of the two. Beep is the one that a certain short person used to squeeze on just to see how far milk would shoot. There were no sound effects (other than my wails), but a beeping sound would have gone along with the show quite nicely.

Really, I thought everybody was lop-sided? At least nobody so far has confessed to an inverted nipple. I know somebody who has that problem. I'd rather be lop-sided.

Karen said...

I was aware that everyone was lopsided, but had no idea it was as pronounced as mine is. It's good to know that I'm not a freak. Or at least as freaky as I'd thought originally.

Burgh - Puff & Beep!!!! Bwahahaha!!!! (I think I just peed myself.)

Jen said...

Great post and so true. Especially about lopsidedness. I've found that a company makes Barely B, Almost A, etc sizes and that helps because then instead of fitting one and the other swimming, I get like almost swimming, and almost squished out. But its better...

Colleen said...

I was just complaining about this to my husband the other day. I used to be B's...one slightly smaller than the other, but really only I could tell. I didn't nurse Gavin long enough to do much but make them droop. After nursing Cooper for the past 6+ months, I got out of the shower and nearly screamed. One is a definite A, the other might be a B on a good day. So I totally shrunk and got MORE lopsided.
I never understood woman who got boob jobs until I saw what pregnancy and nursing do to your boobs!

oh, and LOVE the new header! You do have gorgeous kids!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

My lefty is bigger than my righty!
(I think righty's just a little shy!) :-)

How can you suggest I remove my milkbone underwear? Then my "unmentionables" will be exposed!!

:-)

Hallie

Madame Queen said...

Oh, a subject near and dear to my heart -- literally! I've always been small, but every time I gain weight mine get bigger. BUT, then when I lose weight, that's the first place I lose it. I never had great "girls" but now, sadly, they're so embarrassed they're always looking at the floor. Sigh.

Johnina said...

Oh the trials and tribulations of boobies! With all the emotions that follow. I've had my share of them believe me. You go from clueless, excited their bigger, sad, cying, depressed, and then just thanking god their somewhat back, to happy again, then the whole process starts over with the next child!

kimmy said...

I was only a B cup when I was nursing, then I quickly shrunk back into an A cup!

Kimmy

KIDZMAMA said...

After having four kiddos and not nursing I can say that I'm still lopsided and still big busted. Clever, our nine year old is already complaining about being lopsided. She's not even an A yet!

Deanne said...

I used to be an A, but thanks to three kids I am now a B - a droopy B, but a B none the less! :)

Sandy C. said...

OH SO JEALOUS! I too was an A...and now I'm nearly concave...I nursed for 16 months and have 2 deflated balloons *sigh*....I need to buy me an upgrade...

Spammon said...

I saw the title of this and I thought you were referring to all those spam emails about men I get all the time. Anyways...

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Mine were fine. Then I had the boys. They were still okay. Not great. But okay. Then I had the girl. I don't know if it was the extra estrogen or what but my boobs were enormous! Like, instantly. Then there was the nursing and the more bigness. Then? They died. She killed them. I had them revived. And that's all I'm going to say about that. ;)

Leanne said...

Hmmm. I had the same problem, except at Victoria's Secret she YELLED across the store, "We got any corsets in an A cup?". When I asked her if she had to yell, she apologized, then yelled again. Oh, sorry everyone I didn't mean an A, I meant a HAMMOCK. This women is so big, she needs two HAMMOCKS.

Right. Much better.

I've never gone back.

ALF said...

I love, love, love your new header. I want 4 kids one day but I have 0 so far and think I'm running out of time...

Andrea said...

What the truth!! I started as a B and ended up a DD, and hating it. I keep saying if I loose the baby weight I could get back down to where I am supposed to be. It would be nice to be a C with out having kids LOL!! Then maybe they would be farther up from my waist!! :) LOL!!

Flea said...

I was at Tanya the Art Butcher's site a bit ago and she had a link for making your own bra using plastic grocery bags. My husband has encouraged me to make one (Can you hear me laughing?),and I thought I'd pass on the link: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/A450587
Oh, and Tanya's at:
http://tanyatheartbutcher.blogspot.com/
This might be the answer to our prayers.

Karen said...

Flea - I do they make plastic undies, too? Because when I wet myself laughing at the bras it won't soak through my pants. Bwahahaha

Karen said...

Alf - get 4 dogs instead. Your boobs will thank you for it.