And Sometimes You Get Exactly What You Ask For

You know how you have some memories that you'll just never, ever forget? I've got one. When I am suffering from Alzheimers, I will recall this Christmas memory with perfect clarity, because one of the quirks of that disease is that you remember things from your childhood. This one? Is priceless.



Bless her heart, my mother is practical. When I was old enough to buy gifts for my family all on my own, but not yet old enough to know a whole lot about the world around me, I asked mom what she wanted for Christmas.

Remember, I said I wasn't all that old. Don't get all up in my hair for saying one shouldn't ask someone what they want for the holidays. Just keep reading.

My mother didn't hesitate to say that she needed new underwear. I think I may have turned a bit pinkish, and I know for a fact that I was kinda outraged. Who gets their mother underwear for Christmas? And why would I even want to? That would be a punishment if I found underwear in my stocking, not a present.

But after a few days of deliberation (I was young. A few days is forever.) I decided that if that's what she asked for, and what she really needed and wanted, then it would indeed be a gift that was appreciated at it's full value. Not one that would be remembered for all eternity, but I'd kinda prefer that my mom not walk around and say "the underwear I have on now were a gift from my middle daughter that wonderful Christmas of '81. Ahhh, the mileage I've gotten out of these."

So being the child that always tried to please, I got myself to Newberry's Department Store, went up the escalator into the crowded upper floor, and found the underwear bin. Oh, the underwear choices to be had! I had no idea. There were pink ones, and white ones, and large ones, and small ones...

I personally was drawn to the prints, but thought my mom should probably have white. When I folded laundry that's what I saw most often, so I knew that was always a winner. White it was! But what size? I asked the saleslady for help since she was hovering somewhere over my left shoulder wondering why on earth a girl was perusing the women's underwear. She suggested something and we both headed to the counter.

I took those things home, stealthily hid inside my coat. It isn't like she didn't request them, but how was she to know I'd actually pull the trigger on them? There has to be some element of surprise in the gift giving. I carefully wrapped them, slapped a label on there, peeled the sticky back off a bow and eagerly awaited Christmas morning. Oh, this would be good. It also might teach her not to ask for underwear again. Let it be noted: sometimes you get exactly what you ask for. Bwahahaha!!!

Christmas morning comes, we exchange gifts, we commence to opening, and mom pulls out underwear. My sisters hoot and howl, and I had a fair amount of satisfaction both in the knowledge that I got her a gift that she truly wanted, and taught a lesson that one should never ask for underwear as a gift. But when my sisters and I were done slapping each other on the backs and wiping tears, we noticed that mom was all shades of uncomfortable, and dad was chuckling very merrily under his breath.

Turns out that I chose a pack of thongs for my mother for Christmas. Way back then I didn't even know what they were or that they existed. We all wore granny panties, so how was I to know? It truly was an innocent mistake.

But that learned her. She never asked for underwear as a gift again.

19 comments:

utmomof5 said...

I thought maybe that your story was going to end that way but then I thought "no way!! no one would really have that actually happen to them"

Still laughing over here!

Melissa said...

OMG, I totally didn't see that one coming. I could just imagine how hard my mom would laugh if I bought her thong underwear....bwhahaha!

Trannyhead said...

I love that story. If I bought a thong for Granilla I'm sure she'd die of mortification. She wears the granniest granny panties of them all.

Karen said...

You truly have an interesting relationship with underwear. I will be laughing about this for days. I bet your dad was all kinds of merry.

the planet of janet said...

i think my mother would have DIED a million deaths if i had done that.

on the other hand, i DO go shopping for thongage with my daughter all the time. and she knows what kind i like too.

we're sick.

Catherine said...

See my mom just didnt wear underwar (TMI I know!!) however, I bought her a t-shirt once for Christmas...It said..."I'm the big Sister" and I bought my brother matching "I'm the little brother and I'm the little sister" shirts..

My mom is only 14 years older then my brother and 16 years older then my twin sister and I...when she was dating, she would sometimes tell guy's that we were her sisters and brothers (what a liar)
Those shirts got some great use and she got some dates from those shirts. :)

Leanne said...

I love it. Thanks for the smile!! That's a GREAT story. Now, I DARE your daughter to go out and do the same to you!!

Karen Deborah said...

I didn't know thongs were around back then. guess your Dad liked that gift. That is funny. I once did something similar saving up all my coupons at an arcade for a prize. It was a tiny glass and I thought my mom would love it. she cracked up laughing because it was a "shot" glass. I didn't even know what a shot glass was. I played a lot of skeeball to get that little sucker.

Flea said...

Major kudos to the sales lady! You should totally buy your mom a thong this year for Christmas. Heh.

(Keri) Auburn Gal Always said...

I love it!

I gave my grandmother some trashy thongs as a joke one year. She didn't find it funny at all.

Andrea said...

OH goodness!! That is so funny!! For chirstmas one year, my four sisters got together and went into my room. They gathered up about five pairs of my underware and put them in a Victoria Secrests box. They neatly wrapped it and put it under the tree, with a tag on it that read, "To: Dad From: The Naughty Elves" So, come Christmas moring, my 52 year old father opened that box and proudly held up my underware. Oh, dear!! I was embarrased at first but then just had to laugh with all the rest of the girls. My poor father was surrounded by five daughters. I still have the pictures from that Christmas. He held up those panites so proud!! :)

imbeingheldhostage said...

Priceless! The only thing better would be to see an orange-tinted faded photo of her opening that gift.

You were thoughtful even then!

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

Oh, dear. You've inspired Tranny in her quest to harass her mother a little more. Oops! I think your dad's chuckling goes to show you HE enjoyed them at least.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Well, I guess so!
That is a priceless memory!

Burgh Baby said...

So, was there a gift receipt involved in all this, or did she keep the underwear? And if she kept them, were you always wondering if she was wearing her "special" undies?

Momisodes said...

Oh man, that IS pricesless!

*note to self- never ask for anything of the undergarment variety. Including undies, bras, lingerie and hosiery.

mommaof4wife2r said...

sweeeet! i can just see everyone dying of laughter! and what a surprise for you...

Michelle said...

Oh. My. That is HILARIOUS. Your poor mom. I was convinced you were going to have bought her a huge size (like a certain dad I know did for his daughter's tights for ballet one year). I won't even ask about the saleslady!

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

Oh. Mah. Lordie!

I had no idea that thong panties existed before like 1999. Who knew?!?

I think you should buy her some thongs for Xmas this year, just to relive the good memories. ;-)