Ma'am, Your Backside Is Wet

Since I'm still not talking about the weekend, I'll at least give you this tidbit. Since I'm finding this all kinds of humorous, it might give you an idea of how rotten the last two days really were.

Oh - and men? You might just want to go elsewhere to read today. I'm just saying.


I have a cold. Actually, it's like the Mother of All Sinus Drainages. That drainage tickles the back of my throat like you can't imagine, and I know this because I've had colds with drainage before and have never experienced anything of this magnitude. Therefore, you haven't either. This tickle is further aggravated by lauging, talking, cold air, and sometimes even breathing. When the drainage is aggravated, I hack. A lot. And then the hacking further aggravates the drainage and causes more hacking. I hack up lungs (I'm beginning to think they must be a renewable organ), I hack up phleghm, I hack up bits of raw throat pieces... It ain't purty.

I have a weak bladder. This was inherited from my mother, who inherited it from her mother. Giving birth to four children the au naturelle way did not help this condition. In fact, it made it worse. I frequently pee myself when I jump (when I say I don't do trampolines, please believe me), run (I'm not really into sports, can you guess why?), sneeze, or cough. If I cross my legs before I sneeze or cough, it generally prevents an accident. Until now. I've taken to wearing panty liners because I just don't have enough underwear to endure the constant hacking courtesy of the Mother of All Sinus Drainages.

So today I'm in a public restroom, and was kinda glad I was alone in there. As I pulled off my panty liner and wrapped it in TP to put into the box on the wall, I hacked up a snot ball. (It was gross, thanks for asking.) I had the brilliant idea that I would just spit that honker in the toilet because I could clearly see water between my legs and it would be the quickest solution. But I didn't factor in the D Twins. Till I craned out over them I ended up spitting in my underwear.

Awww, crap. That's just nasty. (Like nothing else yet has been.)

So before that nasty soaked in, my first thought was to get it off. (duh) I used the TP that was in my hand, wiped it well, and tossed it into the toilet. Well, that wasn't as bad as it could have been. I got another panty liner from my purse, applied it, and tossed the paper backing in the box on the wall. Wait, I don't remember tossing the used liner.

Awwww, crap. Well, I'm not fishing it out.

And then I hack up another phleghm ball. (I'm all sorts of sexy at this point, no?) I know the last Spitting of the Ball was an epic fail, but I knew how to correct this time. Plus the toilet paper was way up in and getting an end in a hurry was not going to happen. If I didn't spit soon I'd barf, and that would be way worse. I leaned out over the girls and dropped that ball into my panties. Again.

This is not my day, is it?

It had sufficient time to soak in by the time I was able to find and fish out the end of toilet paper from the bowels of the Great Toilet Paper Holder. I wiped it off, but the damage was already done. I felt the wet on my backside as I stood up and pulled myself together.

I didn't even have a toddler to blame things on.

18 comments:

utmomof5 said...

Still laughing over here!! Holy crap that is not funny at all and I am really sorry for laughing but I just can't stop myself! May tomorrow be a better day and may the cold GO AWAY!

the planet of janet said...

oh. my. gawd. i'm. dying. here.

i'm sorry. really. that's awful.

bwahahahahahahahahahaa

sorry. really.

Melissa said...

What do you suppose the odds are of you hitting your drawers not once but twice...man, you should play the lotto this week!!

I hope you feel better soon!!

(Keri) Auburn Gal Always said...

This is so much like something I'd do.

If it helps, you can blame it on my Lucky. Neveryoumind that you are in PA and we are in AL. Next time, just start blaming it on Lucky!

HalfAsstic.com said...

Girl, you crack me up! I laughed out loud more than once!
Oh, and you can almost never blame the toddler when the wet spot is on the BACK of the pants...dangit! ;-)

Karen Deborah said...

Pitiful absolutely pitiful and I'm laughing hard enough to pee my pants. I see the plague that nearly killed me is moving around the country. It took me 8 weeks to quit coughing. I have asthma and that crud really flared it up, but you are describing the same bug. I think i would've thrown the panties in the trash. I left a pair of panties on a bus in Colombia, with a lot worse than snot in them.

Debbie Yost said...

If it's any consolation, c-sections don't help in the incontinence department.

As for your luggies - I'm gagging over her. And ROFLMAO!

Michelle said...

Ohhh Karen, I think you need to take a few days off to recover and let Sam take care of everything in the meantime. You sound like you need a break! But ummm yeah, I can see the humor in this myself... but only because I didn't actually have this happen to me ;)

Andrea said...

Whauahahahaa!! I am sorry, but this is too funny. It so sounds like something I would have done. I too have a serious weak bladder, and I can't do jumping jacks, trampolines, and even sometimes running. And as far as sneezing goes, no way Jose, I too have to cross my legs and hope for the best.

I hope you get to feeling better, ugh, that is not fun at all.

The Sports Mama said...

Normally, it actually takes the visual itself to trigger my sensitive gag reflex.

However, you are so amazingly descriptive, and such an awesome writer....

I had to excuse myself from my computer... twice....

Flea said...

That on top of being sick! You poor thing. I hope you were at least wearing a long sweater.

mommaof4wife2r said...

that. is. awesome.

and it's still the kids fault...you had to carry and birth them. that's my take on things! one of the joys of adoption, it can always be linked to their bio fam! see!

My Two Army Brats said...

LMAO!!

WOW!

Hope your weekend was better than that!

Burgh Baby said...

Sometimes I wonder why I don't just click that "Mark all as read" button when I fall behind, you sexy beast.

caramama said...

That is really really gross. And extremely funny. ;-)

Hope you feel better soon!

Shellie said...

Hahahaha! On a day like that, being flat would be an advantage. I think I would have just tossed the panties into my bag and gone without them at that point.

Trannyhead said...

You're SOOOO hawt, Karen. HAWT.

I love this story. It's just as hawt as my pooping in public restroom with Sumo story.

I am a Tornado ~ proven fact! said...

same hacking ... and still doing it ... yeah ... I've had to change my pants a few times already.

Weak bladder complements of two girlys!