Useless Trivia

Girls, don't you just absolutely want to blow a gasket when your undergarments misbehave? Your underpants should stay under things. (Low rise jeans aren't always your best friend. I'm just saying.) Your bra should faithfully hold and support with nary a complaint, pinch or poke. And we won't even get into the horrors of pantyhose and girdles. (Does anyone even still wear those things?) (Okay, I'll admit to the girdle, but the kids drove me to it. Those darn fat rolls and stomach flab refuse to go away after childbirth - what's a mom expected to do?!)

Here are some Important Pieces of Information that I have found helpful and feel I should pass on. Cringe if you must but then be honest and tell me that you've done at least one of these yourself.

1. Underpants. Wear them. I know going Commando would eliminate riding up, riding down, wedgie-world and other unspeakable things but no-panties is a definite no-go. And here's the part where you'll want to reach through your screen and smack me upside the head. Granny panties are a woman's best friend. There is enough material in them to cover things that need covered. (There's enough material in mine to make a small tent, but we'll discuss that another day.) Nothing is worse than having a cheek fall out from the bottom, or a crack attack above the waist band of your jeans. And if you've got the belly flab from pregnancy, welcome to the club. Low rise panties let all this hang over and out and it ain't pretty. Those Grannies may not have not have purdy panties but they know how to keep things hidden that shouldn't be seen. Take a tip from the older and wiser generation and ditch the things with less coverage.

2. Bras. Again, wear them. For the love of all that is modest and decent (and the souls of teenage boys everywhere) keep those girls in confinement. The last thing you want to be known as is The Mom Who Lets It All Hang Out. Not anyone's best image, let me tell you. Getting a good fit in a bra is a hard thing to do. Trust me, I know. Aside from getting the numbers and letters to fit in all the right places, you've got cup coverage to deal with, number of hooks needed to hold things together, seam lines right across the boobage, underwires that poke and so many other problems that my head spins thinking about them.

Here's what to do. Find a bra that works for you (good luck with that, by the way) and then go buy a dozen. Do not wear them all at once, you've gotta space those babies out and hope that your boob shape and/or size does not change in the meantime. Not reasonable? Well at least I tried.

Here is one little tidbit of information that I've learned that is pass-along-able though. Those underwires can be a girl's best friend. Seriously. But when they turn on you and start poking fun, it's not so much a good time anymore. In the past I have removed the offender with great success. (No, I don't take my bra off.) If you make a tiny slit in the seam that holds that wire in place you can slide that U-shaped piece of torture right out of there. Of course this means that you've got Perky and her sister Droopy unless you do a double dissection. But there are some days that it's preferable to walk around saggy than to be poked. You'll have to make that call. Of course this means that your bra has officially died and you won't be wearing that one in public anymore, but it's a sacrifice that must be made.

If only all our days could be free of undergarment woes, but alas we are women and apparently it's our cross to bear.

7 comments:

Michelle said...

Yeah... I'm just not ready to give up my low rises. I can't do it...


BUT have you found a way to keep your bra straps on your shoulders? I've just about decided that I have a shoulder mutation that prevents them from staying in place.

Commando though? Ick! Ok, unless there's a dress involved.

HalfAsstic.com said...

This is so funny! I just bought several new pairs of panties today. I have been wearing the same brand of panties for about 15 years. Jockey for Her. Bikini. They come up high enough in the back and the elastic in the legs and waist is VERY comfortable and don't ride up. At all.
Sigh. I didn't get them, I changed up a bit and bought several different kinds. We will see... ;-)

Becoming Mommy said...

I *HATE* underwires. Too many meetings have occured where a stray wire escaped w/o my notice and randomly poked thru my top....causing stares of wonder from men in fatigues.

I also don't do granny panties. I'm all about their cousin, the boy short. Still plenty of coverage, but I don't have to tuck them into my bra to get them to lay smooth.

Trisha said...

Ahhh - undergarments. The bane of women's existance! While I don't do the granny panties (I am so short waisted that the hipsters come up farther than they should and cover everything which needs covered while hiding below jean waistbands), the praises of underwires are not lost on me. The poking . . . not my favorite thing. I have found that if the wire isn't broken, which requires immediate removal, I can just "finese" the wire back to a non-poking location. This is best done while not wearing the bra so it isn't a good work solution!

caramama said...

I highly highly highly HIGHLY recommend getting professionally fitted for your bra. Most women wear the wrong size bra--usually we overcompensate in the rib size when it's really the cup size that should be larger. It's really hard to figure out what your correct size is just by trying on a bunch. A professional fitting at a nice lingerie store (NOT Victoria Secret where the high school girls don't really know what they are doing) or even in a reputable department store will save you so much time, money and back ache in the long run.

imbeingheldhostage said...

You are desperate to regain that "granny panty" following again, aren't you?

I need a bra. I can't be sized until I can find somewhere else for these children to go-- seriously, four kids and me in a fitting room is NOT appealing.

Trannyhead said...

Summer is alas the season when people show way more than they ought to. The thing that gets me is the people who wear the tank top with the "bra" in it. All it is is an elastic band that goes around your bewbs. It's not sufficient support. At all.