I Seem to be Quackless

My life is so enviable. I mean, who doesn't want their own in-house day care filled with your own children and a petting zoo in the back yard? I just never envisioned days like this way back when I saw my life stretch before me as an empty canvas. Sure, I saw kids and dogs and horses in it, but somehow everything was rose colored and the pot at the end of the rainbow was a replenishing source of happiness.

Yeh, I don't know what I was smoking either.

Here's the real version.

Monday morning I hit the treadmill like I do every morning when I feel like it. By the end of an hour, sweat is pooling in the crevices of my elbows and soaking my under garments clear through. When I am done, the kids scatter to the great outdoors and the dogs start sniffing appreciatively at my heels. They have always been suckers for rank scents.

Fifty-five minutes into my hour of torture, when I was close enough to count down in seconds to the finish line, Becky informed me that someone was here. She didn't know who, but someone. That someone was standing in my kitchen as I came up from the deep dark depths of the basement. I almost slipped in a puddle of my own sweat as I reached the top of the steps.

Turns out, I had a meeting right here at the house. It was written on my calendar and circled and everything. I blame the fact that I didn't use a red pen. I don't even think that I own a red pen. I should probably get one because I'm sure I'd be more organized if I had a red pen. Red Pen People are the type that never forget meetings that are scheduled at their own house.

I debated whether it would be more rude to sit at the table, albeit far from the freshly showered business suit, and pretend that I didn't already look like an idiot, or make the kind lady wait another fifteen minutes while I showered and found something decent to put on that was neither wrinkled nor stained.

I opted to stink because she'd already smelled me and didn't pass out, so how bad could it be, really? Plus I had the window open and the fan on. Although in hindsight that may have made things worse. Great, now I'm not only an idiot, I'm a dork.

That was Monday.

Tuesday, we were out of pig feed so I loaded the kids into the van and headed out in search of more. We'd been getting a special mix off the vet all summer, but last week when we weighed the pigs we realized that they are grossly underweight. (Why does that never happen to me?) One of the pigs needs to gain about ten pounds a week in order to even be allowed to go to the fair. We didn't buy and feed these animals all summer just for the fun of it. It's time to get drastic. I'm switching feeds.

I went to the local feed mill where we discussed pig feeding strategy. (Try not to be jealous of my life.) As we were debating ways to put weight on pigs (oh, the irony here. Can I donate some weight to a worthy cause?) Micah had to go potty. Just as I was about to ask if Micah could use the facilities, I realized that he was standing out front on the loading dock with his pants down around his ankles.

Thankfully the family that owns the mill are real people, and the girl behind the counter came out to cheer the new potty trainer on and give him a double high-five for his efforts. Also, I've realized that teaching a boy to give you a high-five for going potty is not the best idea ever. At least not before hand washing.

Have I mentioned that there were people in their vehicles at the loading dock? There were. They were laughing. Probably at me more than at Micah. Life is fourteen shades of interesting when kids are involved.

That was Tuesday.

You know how some people seem to always have their ducks in a row, with never any variance from perfect? That would not be me. I somehow seem to have lost my ducks, so the level of perfection (or even normal) achieved by me is somewhere between nil and have you even tried? And yet people keep trying to put me in charge of things. Can't they tell from the sweat stains in my armpits that I'm not the person for the job?


Viv said...

You mean you aren't a red pen person? I really had you pegged for one. I'm crushed!

Oh, if you find a way to donate weight to a worthy cause? Let me know, I'll be glad to help out.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Oh honey! Too funny! Give Micah a high five for me, too. Bonus, you get to make sure his hands are washed first!
Do you feed the pigs any household leftovers, aka slop? Or is that not a good thing?

Brandie said...

Sounds like potty training is going very well! Glad I'm not the only one whose kid pees where they shouldn't ;)

Anonymous said...

I'm with Viv . . . I TOTALLY thought you would be a red pen person!

Thank goodness you're not, because I need to know that I am not the only person in the world surrounded by obsene amounts of chaos. Though mine don't involve farm animals - the animals elevate the status of your chaos to Terror Alert Red.

(And I am curious about the slop as well!)

Karen said...

You know, we have never fed the pigs slop. We should, really. Mental note: save food scraps. The pigs would love it.

We are, however, adding liberal amounts of vegetable oil to their rations. They are in piggy heaven, and gaining much weight. Hopefully.

Karen said...

Oh, and also? While I'm not a red pen person, I am a highlighter freak. I highlight school events in yellow, doctor appointments in orange, sports in blue, church related activities in green...

I'm a total geek.

Michelle said...

I dunno... I think it sounds like fun! Go Micah! And stupid pigs gain weight -- and take mine, too! I hope the meeting was at least effective!

Roger Miller said...

Color-coded highlighting is almost on par with red pen people, I think. I am neither and can't keep any coherent thoughts together for long. Maybe I should get a red pen...

Yeah Micah!

I know it has already been offered, but if your little pigs need some extra weight I have about 100 pounds I could live without. :)

Molly said...

Tell Micah I have a friend for him! His name is Will. The two of them seem to share a love of peeing in random places!

On the way back from the pool, Will informed me that he had to pee. So we walked to the bathroom. He said "no, I have to poop. I wait"

So we walk back to the bus, and sit down to read a book while we wait. He turns around, drops his pants, and pees in a bush. Tushie out. In the middle of a college campus, cuz we swim in their pool. heh.

Oh well. At least he's in good company!

imbeingheldhostage said...

how boring would you be if you were that ducks in a row person? I love your life and always look forward to catching these fun glimpses of it. High five, Micah, but I'm a germaphobe so I am wearing a glove ;-)

Karen Deborah said...

I love this. I would elect you to be in charge too. you take care of business and have the sweat to prove it! Micah is making progress and that is awesome!

Is it healthy for even a pig to gain that much weight that fast? I have wondered a lot about the way we raise animals and our weight problems. Do you know how fast a chicken can be grown? Scary.

Unknown said...

Thanks for the laugh this morning, I need that mental picture of Micah peeing at the feed store :)

nikki said...

I totally just laughed my arse off reading this. Thank you. Seriously.

Becoming Mommy said...

Actually, it sounds to me like things are going well! -Do they make Fat Balls for pigs? -and congrats to Micah on the potty training!

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

Aw...I feel for ya cuz I feel like I've been there (sans pig feed, of course).

Red pen people are overrated...hope your meeting went well!

Kimberly Wright said...

This is true comedy. Sweat, pigs, and no red pen. Gracious. I wonder what your guest said after they left your house about you. LOL

the planet of janet said...

at least you have a calendar.

and ducks.

i have neither.

JennyH said...

Karen you always crack me up. Kids can always make things "fun" while out in public. Max gets the urge to pee at the park and he pulls his pants down right there and does it. in front of everyone. fun times!

Wineplz said...

*high-fives Micah*

"You know how some people seem to always have their ducks in a row, with never any variance from perfect?"
They would be boring and all sorts of un-fun.