Fashions are Falling

While perusing some of the fashions for this fall, I was rather shocked. First of all by the total lack of striped stockings being sported because I really wanted an excuse to wear them. No, I'm serious. And that statement makes this post so very, very ironic.

Have you seen some of the fall fashions? Wowza. I'm not fashion forward by any stretch, and now I know why. The only websites I managed to visit before dying of a laughing fit were Piper Lime and Nordstrom.

Oh. My. Word.

Take a look-see at some of the fun that I've found.

It's reassuring to know that the oversized shirt is totally in. I have some in my closet that I absolutely hate and use for things like painting and bleaching and, well, that's about all. Now I can wear them with pride. How cute.


Feminism is obviously dead this fall. This next one just proves that point.

Dude. A plaid shirt? Five sizes too big? I can score that at Salvation Army for a dollar. No, seriously. No need to pay big money for the fashions this fall. And you could pair that with long johns to complete the ensemble. Think how sexy THAT would be.

Am I the only one who sees a bath robe when I look at this?

Seriously. A gray flannel bath robe. No need to actually get dressed in the morning anymore. Wear your robe to work! It's all the rage this fall. Think how comfy you'd be. But would you wear slippers with that, or heels?

Then there's this.

If it makes a size 2 wire frame look like it has hips, think what it'll do for a real set. Holy Huge Hips Dresses aren't for those with any type of figure, that's for sure. Maybe if you paired it with a pair of thigh-high boots it would have a bit of a slimming effect. But I doubt it.

If you're really going for the hippy look, though, this would be the number to choose.

In what parallel universe would that look good on the average size double-digit woman? Even the single-digit ones are cringing. Heck, the super model wearing it is thinking, "You mean I have to model THIS?! Why does SHE get the slimming A-line and I got stuck with THIS?! Do you know how much chocolate cake I've foregone in my lifetime to NOT look like I have hips?" (Seriously. Look at her face. It's like reading her thoughts.) I call it a designer fail.

Moving on...

Talk about your revival of retro. Napoleon lives.

And Aladdin is real.

Could you even imagine wearing this?

Maybe because I'm short I'm having a hey-day with it, but I'm seeing me dragging the right side in the mud, or running over the hem while rolling around in my office chair. You'd become airborn if you ever caught a breeze.

I, personally, am a fan of the mini skirt. Mini meaning just above my knee. This? Is wrong on about seventeen different levels. A sequined mini skirt. You're welcome. And don't bend over.

Unfortunately there are no pockets in that thing, and I wouldn't even recommend a fanny pack (when would I EVER?!) because it would be larger than the skirt and hide the whole thing.

You could pair that skirt with these. They'd probably go together quite well.

And the only people who should wear them are street walkers. Seriously. Although it may put a hurting on their business. Of course, the mini skirt would hide those fun zipper pockets.

My personal fave is this one.

It's a cashmere jumpsuit. Those two words should never, ever be used to describe the same object. And I cannot even begin to imagine where one would wear that. Not the office. Certainly not the PTA meeting. And I can't even see it fitting into the Christmas party scene. I'm just clueless. And apparently you don't really accessorize with it either. I'm thinking how awkward a belt would be. And now you are, too.

Are your eyes bleeding yet? No? Try thinking of yourself in that cashmere mess. ALL of you in it. There's no hiding what you had for breakfast, that's for sure.

Since it looks like my striped stockings just aren't making an appearance, you can find me lovingly wearing my jeans and sweatshirts once again this fall. I may not be fashion forward, but I won't make anyone vomit either. That's always a bonus.


Molly said...

I knew there was a reason I wore jeans and tee shirts all the time! This post is hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Baggy tee shirts and flannel?! Sign me up to be in style this season!

And the cashmere jumpsuit . . . I don't know anyone over the age of 18 months who should be wearing a onesies, least of all one made of cashmere. How on earth do you go to the bathroom?! I imagine wearing that would mean skipping your morning coffee.

Yikes. said...

OH. MY. GAWD. I laughed my ass off going through all of them. I will say one thing, though. It does seem like maybe the whole 1980's ruffles and bows and tucks and pleats and shiny threads and what ever else obnoxious you can think of is maybe on the way back out? (Oh jeeze, I'm hoping...)

Unknown said...

I just bought that last jumpsuit :) I planned on wearing it to the grocery store tomorrow. Oh and one must wear the heels with it!!

Michelle said...

Ewwww, where are you FINDING these things? I know I'm not ummm that fahion forward but ick. These are terrible! And I need to do some new clothes shopping in the next six months or so, too. *sigh*

the planet of janet said...

my guess is that i'm going to be totally HAWT this year.

after all, my sweatshirt and jeans will fit right in too!

Debbie @ Three Weddings said...

This explains why I went shopping today and came home empty handed. Even in my favorite store I couldn't find a thing I liked. There was a lot of ruffles and other funky stuff on the front of the shirts. There's some scary stuff in store for us!

Tanya said...

Wow, those styles are definitely interesting. Although I'm glad flannel is back. Maybe greasy hair will also make an appearance. That will save me so much time in the morning.

Viv said...

You could wear it to a Harper Valley PTA meeting?

Brandie said...

You've just made my day. I'm now happy to be wearing hand me down maternity clothes until December (and as long there after as I need to)!

Drea said...

That was great! HAHA

designHER Momma said...

you totally could rock any one of those styles! ha!

KG said...

The cashmere unitard is a major fail. Major. What a waste of cashmere. I admit I will be sporting a shawl this winter, though. Way less effort than a coat at 9 months of pregnancy.

Flea said...

Oh my goodness. I knew the lumberjack look was back (hooray!), but the rest is downright scary.

Karen Deborah said...

GAH hilarious! Does anybody buy this stuff? I wear what I want and most of it come from the Goodwill. People throw away really good stuff so they can go buy this....hee hee
you made me laugh.

Andrea said...

I really can't believe that people actually buy that stuff. It's ugly!! And it doesn't look that great on those twigy woman, what makes them think that a normal sized person would even think about buying that?

And LOL, that cashmere jumpsuit, girl, I am so going out and buying one!!

Karen said...

Oh my word, Andrea - do it! DO IT!

Michelle said...

Have I ever told you that I love your sense of humor?! cause I do, you crack me up. I was laughing so much through this I had to have my mom read it. I loved the "you'd become airborne if you ever caught a breeze."

I've always been a jeans/tshirt girl, I just can't keep up with these crazy styles!