The Taboo Subject

I've had The Talk with my daughter years ago, but I'm still waiting for someone to have The Second Talk with me. What is it about menopause that women don't want to share? Do they think we can't handle the truth? Kind of like they keep the best secrets of babyhood from us when we're planning a family, like the poop that shoots straight up the back of your precious newborn, soiling clothing from toes to skull in the process. (Really. How?)

I'm one of the lucky ones, says my doctor, who get to do all this ten years early. Typical statement from a man. It was not the same doctor that once told me my hips were nice and wide, and perfect for giving birth. That man died a violent death shortly after that statement was uttered. At least in my mind he did. Apparently I am skilled at choosing the doctors who spout absurdity.

So I am now experiencing something called perimenopause. I asked what this was, but the answer was as vague as the term "lucky" was absurd. Research tells me that it's the transition period leading up to menopause. And apparently, its when all the fun symptoms of what is generally termed "menopause" happen.

Sorry. If you're a guy, or would rather not read about all the funness of being a woman, you should probably click out. And this warning should have come a few paragraphs ago. My bad.

And we're on again.

Actual menopause, from what I read, is the ending of the "peri" stage and starts life without all that crap. Knowing this, I'm seriously looking forward to menopause. Seriously. It's the hot flashes that will eventually be the death of me, I'm sure. For now, I'm referring to them as warm flashes, because they're bearable. But they're not fun. Just last week, while on vacation, I had the dear husband turn the AC on in the hotel because it was just stuffy in the room. I don't sleep well when I'm hot. Who does, really? Three hours later I woke with icicles hanging from my nose because some idiot had the AC on and it was 50 degrees outside. Hot flashes suck. I've now taken to asking, "is it hot or is it me?" and that makes me sound pretty conceited, really. A middle aged, overweight mother of four asking if she's hot is just, well, yeh.

So I asked the doc today if there was anything that I could do to ease the flashes (not flashing, I havent' resorted to that yet), and they had nothing to offer me. So I educated myself again. (Seriously, what is it about The Second Talk that people don't want to share?! I'M SHARING. YOU'RE WELCOME.) I read some home-remedy-type helps such as cutting down caffeine, and eating healthier and exercising, and wearing loose clothing helps. Loose clothing can "help absorb moisture from night sweats." Sexy, that's what that is.

Here's the thing. I've found that stress turns up my internal thermometer. This isn't good, people. Cutting out caffeine is do-able, and wearing mu-mus is an option if I want to look like a cow, but my life is busy and busy creates stress. There's no way I can dial that down, therefore I'll sweat. I'm thinking the best solution for me is to start carrying a small suitcase with me everywhere I go. Thankfully luggage-as-a-purse is in style now. Carrying layers of clothing is going to be my only defense, because if I'm hot when I leave the house, inevitably I'll cool down somewhere and want that sweater. And as a bonus, I'll get tons of extra exercise lugging around that huge purse filled with half my wardrobe, so maybe I'll lose weight AND decrease the warm flashes.

I know it's not what y'all come here to read about, but I'm living life here. Someday, someone is going to look back on this and say, "she was such a pioneer. Nobody ever talks about hot flashes and night sweats. Thank you for educating me." You're welcome. Now go shower for me, will you?