No Flatulence Zone

The pastor had just stood up to begin the sermon when it happened. The unthinkable in church.

You know how there are some people who just don't think about the things they do before they do them? And who don't have the couth to, say, cover their mouth when they cough? Much less do more, um, delicate things in private?

Yeh, there was nothing delicate about this. Trust me.

The Offender felt it coming on. He leaned up to grasp the back of the pew in front of him, and slightly elevated himself as if he was going to get up. The pastor's wife was close by and wondered if he needed assistance in standing. She was about to go ask when she heard his shoe squeak.

Only it wasn't a shoe squeak. And it just went on. Loudly. Loudly enough that I heard it quite clearly the whole way across the church. As did everyone else.

Miracles do happen. How on earth the pastor was able to do more than stare blank-faced for a second before beginning the sermon, I'll never know. How on earth the entire church kept hysterical guffaws silent, I'll never know. How on earth I managed to not wet myself in my silent fit of laughter, I'll never know.

But here's what I do know. The pew behind The Offender was literally shaking with silent laughter. The two front pews filled with teens looked like rows of jumping beans trying to be subdued what with all the ducked heads and heaving shoulders. Nobody in the church made eye contact with anybody else. And not one person heard a word that the pastor said.

That's when he decided to try to regain control by praying.

"Lord, help us to not be distracted by the pressures around us, and to lay aside those things that we may have brought in with us so that we are better able to hear what You have to say. Amen."

But it only made matters worse. Here's what most of us heard:

"Lord, help us to not be distracted by the pressure of someone's bowels, and please don't let him bring this into church with him again. Amen."

One of the men in church often uses the phrase, "that went over like a fart in church." It's going to take on all new meaning now. It's his wife that, in all seriousness, thinks we should tell this man that church is really a No Flatulating Zone.

I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't make any difference. It would probably go over like a fart in church.

17 comments:

Karen Deborah said...

ya'll are way to uptight somebody should have CRACKED UP out loud!!
I would have. Especiall since he went to the trouble of lifting a cheek how sick!

Trannyhead said...

Do you ever listen to that NPR show "Prairie Home Companion?" Garrison totally did a similar story in "The News from Lake Woebegone." Except here, the pastor accidentally said "fart" instead of some other word in his sermon. An actual fart is much better.

SunflowerMom said...

Karen, Karen, Karen... you really expect us to believe it was a young boy that fouledup the service? Tsk ts, trying to pin your troubles on the youth. ;)

Michelle said...

I can so see that happening in our little country church. We had crack from a tattooed unwed mom having her baby baptized a couple weeks ago, and those of us in the choir were having such an issue each time the baby dropped something and she had to pick it up. We were dying. What can you do? If you aren't a community in church, what good are you?

Gina said...

That is hilarious.

Flea said...

:)

caramama said...

I cannot believe he felt it coming on, leaned forward, lifted his butt up, and farted right there! DUDE!!! Leave the room, as my mother would admonish.

I don't have a problem with bodily functions in general, but in church? Hello?!?! Maybe you could buy him a Ms. Manners book and dog ear an appropriate page--or write it in the front for him!

And I read it as an older man, not a young boy. Yes?

Nap Warden said...

Oh my!

Krista said...

You know what happens when a person farts in church, right? They have to sit in their own pew! Ha! I have to admit my son as a young teen did that - it was audible and actually made a rattling sound against the hard wooden pew. I was so embarrassed! Then he cracked his neck one day with his mouth opened and it amplified the sound and made everyone around us laugh. They really shouldn't encourage him, like that. When they were younger my daughter spat at my son - yes in the dead silence! Eeeek!

Infrared Goggles said...

I love it when someone does something bloggable! Thanks for sharing. :)

Karen said...

Oh that is funny!!!!! You all did really good not to be rolling in hysterics.

HalfAsstic.com said...

That? was awesome. You just know that same type of experience has happened to countless people in countless churches around the world, but, funny? It's hysterical! I don't know how you kept your shit together! And even more impressive is the teenagers keeping silent!

the planet of janet said...

wait. was one of my kids in your church?????

Tanya said...

Isn't it sad that no matter how old and mature you may be, farts never stop being funny?

JennyH said...

That is a good one! How in the world everyone did not bust out laughing- that is truly amazing!

Like Tanya said above- farts never stop being funny. You saw my blog with the farting voice box!

Mason and Terri's Mom said...

I couldn't have imagined. Our church is very open and a joke would have followed. Either that or one of us JOKERS in the choir would have had to leave the stage in laughter. I couldn't have sung after that. Poor person!

justmylife said...

Ah HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! And Janet up there^ in the comments, it does sooo sound like your kids. AHHHAHAHAHA!!!