The Fall Runway, Home Edition

Fall is here, as far as I'm concerned. September, October and November are the best months of the year. Ever. I love everything about these months, including the fact that I get to break out fall fashions. Sweaters, boots, jeans, warm scarves, all these things make me happy. Today's weather was a bit chilly, and I delved into the warmer reaches of my closet with glee. That didn't last long.

The jeans that I tried on didn't fit me the way they did last winter. It must be that 18 years of marriage, shifting things around. I found just one pair that I rocked. The things I tried with the other pairs shouldn't ever be mentioned, but I will. I've heard people tell of using elastic bands through the button hole to give a little extra space. Since my sweater was longer, I could totally get away with this. But I needed a bit more space than an open button, so I slid down the zipper a bit. That's where things got nasty. There were things oozing out of the open zipper placket that I keep under wraps at all cost. It bulged so large that you could see the bump under my sweater. It looked like an overgrown hernia, visible to all the world. That was the first and last time I'll ever try that elastic in the button hole trick. My eyes will never focus correctly again after that trauma.

The cowl neck sweater that I thought looked fab last year now threatened to eat the lower half of my face, so I switched to another cowl neck with a lower plunge. It was fab, right up until I leaned over to zip up my boots. Oh, yeh. Peep show, six o'clock. (The shifting, remember? Everything falls to middle when I lean over. There is no three and nine anymore, if you know what I mean.)

The boots were the only thing that loved me as much as I loved them. Ah, those ankle boots with the high heels. How I love them. Being as my jeans are floor length even with the high heels, those fab boots are completely hidden and nobody knows that the two inches in height I've gained are false. The most wonderful thing happens when you gain two inches in height - you lose weight instantly. I love those boots. I will sleep with them on and clean the house with them on and I will never take them off.

It's just a shame that I don't walk well in heels.