The Killer Cold Saga

So I have a cold. I hear it's been making it's rounds around the nation, and it's taking down men and women in their prime. It's a strain heretofore previously unknown to man, and is resistant to All The Remedies Known To Man.

So that's what I have. I'm not here to whine about it, though. I'm here to tell you what I did about it.

I didn't wake up with a cold on Monday. As I opened my eyes to turn off the alarm Monday morning, The Cold was sitting on the nightstand, waiting to pounce. It fully engulfed me, drug me down and alligator rolled me. I have not come up for air yet. I think I may be dying, but I'm not quite sure yet. I'll get back with you on that. If I survive.

I felt so awful, that I took cold medication. This is huge. I never think to take medication until I have something for a solid 2 days, and then I'm all, "Hey! Some genius made something to help this! I should take it." This cold was so bad, that I took DayQuil right up front. Before breakfast.

I followed up the DayQuil with honey, cinnamon, Mucinex D, Alka Seltzer Cold Plus, hot tea that was hot enough to instantly burn and numb my throat, and texted a friend to see what else I should do. She's smart. She knows things. She recommended whiskey.

Here's the thing. We're a dry home. We're not opposed to alcohol, we just don't ever have any here. Ever. Except the vodka.

I have attended BlogPaws pet conference for 2 years. Each attendee is given a ginormously large bag filled with bountiful swag. It is all for the dog, and it's super fun. And in that ginormously large bag of dog swag, is also a tiny sample bottle of vodka. I know. I thought it was out of place, too. Dogs do not drive us to drink.

I make a scalding hot cup of peach tea, added a tablespoon of honey, and a third of that bottle of vodka. (Remember, it is a sample size. It's tiny.) I drank that cup of tea, chased it with NyQuil, and couldn't wait to sleep like the dead. Maybe I was dead. It's hard to tell. I feel like death, at least. Is this what a zombie feels like? I'm guessing. I'm far more congested than I've seen zombies in movies, though. They don't seem to suffer severe congestion. Zombies are better off than I am, so there's that.

I woke every hour. Sleep and I were not BFFs. I was disappointed.

The next night, I used more vodka, because that was clearly the problem. Not enough alcohol in my system. If I woke with a hangover (from a third of an ounce of vodka) so be it. I needed sleep, and relief from symptoms. I'd settle for breathing, even. Breathing is beautiful.

I laid in bed playing Candy Crush until 1:00am because I couldn't fall asleep.  I was wide awake. My eyes were watering so badly I could hardly see to swap out the candy, yet they just wouldn't close and let me forget that I was suffering.

This morning I turned to Dr. Google. He's always helpful in situations like this. He told me that while many people take a glass of wine in the evening to unwind and relax, it sometimes has the opposite effect, making them night owls. So there you go. No more vodka for me.

I did contemplate, however, having the last of the bottle in my scalding hot coffee for breakfast. I needed something to keep me wide awake to power through the day.

Tonight, I am going to bed with NyQuil. The symptoms are much better (I am crediting Umcka), but am suffering in other ways. The constant nose blowing has made me look like Rudolph. My nose is not only bright red, but sore and chapped. I also have a large zit on my chin. Like having a killer cold isn't enough, I get to suffer with adult acne, too. I have Vaseline rubbed on my nose, and honey on my zit. Occasionally I'll stuff a kleenex up a nostril to keep the inside gunk from running down my face.

Our Valentine's Day was a little less than romantic, in case you're wondering.