Top Ten Things I Learned This Week That Could Change Your Life

10. The fat that gels around the turkey carcas while overnighting on the counter will turn to liquid in the garbage can if you have radiant heat in the floor. This makes for quite a huge mess when a turkey bone snags a hole in the bag. Do not try taking the bag out of the can while in the house. It will gush liquified, putrid smelling fat all over the floor and your feet. It's very disgusting. The smell will overpower the house for hours.

9. If you are stupid enough to work at a construction site with soft soled shoes, at least avoid stepping on boards with nails in them.

8. Tetanus shots are good for 10 years, unless you have an accident. Then it's 5 years. Stepping on a nail counts as an accident.

7. When your doctor's office says you can just stop in for a shot without an appointment, do not believe them. They will insist on seeing you and put you in a room with a preschooler and make you wait forever. It does not matter that the preschooler is yours. In fact, this makes it worse.

6. A tetanus shot makes your arm feel worse than your injured foot.

5. When you've had a shot and need to rest your arm, that will be the day you need to get 100 pounds of dog food and a bundle of shingles on errands.

4. If you are stupid enough to get groceries before going to the hardware store, do not let the hardware store employee load the shingles. He will be so very careful not to place them near the bag with the laundry detergent but will squash 5 loaves of bread.

3. Do not allow your kids in your sewing room unattended. They will try to sew your cut-out orders themselves and this is not really a help. They will also use your very best scissors to try to cut pins. They could lose their life doing this. And I'm not talking about an accident with the scissors and flying pins.

2. If a dog gets an injury it will happen on a holiday. This either forces you to pay a holiday fee or wait until the next day. Waiting will allow the dog to develop an infection and cause more problems than the original injury presented. You cannot use the kids' insurance cards for the dogs.

1. If a dog vomits yellow bile in the van and you do not notice it, you will notice the smell. It's like tuna gone bad, and you will have the desire to drive with the windows down in freezing temperatures. Dogs realize it's easier to hide the evidence if it happens in the back of the van, ensuring that the smell can deeply penetrate the carpet for a day or two before the full impact of the smell overpowers the driver and renders him or her unconscious.

I just hope that you can learn from my mistakes. Someone had to make them to teach the lessons.


Leanne said...

Oh yuck. I hope your foot is better.

I know what you mean about the sewing scissors! My Mom used to just about KILL us when we stole her sewing scissors to cut paper.

Now I threaton my kids.

Being grown up means understanding the beauty of a good quality sewing scissor. Scary that.

Cecily R said...

They will insist on seeing you and put you in a room with a preschooler and make you wait forever. It does not matter that the preschooler is yours. In fact, this makes it worse.

This made me laugh outloud! All I could imagine is the doc's office with a few extra preschoolers around just in case you didn't have one of your own!

Come to think of it, I don't currently have a preschooler so I would have to borrow one in order to get my shot!

Melissa said...

OMG, I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one that lives my life like that. I hope today is a better day!!

Karen said...

Cecily - I'm wondering if I could loan Micah out to a doctor's office waiting room program sometime?

Melissa - yesterday consisted only of the shot at the doctor's office and all the surrounding events. The vet thing with the sick dog seriously seems like deja vu, but that was last Friday. I'm thrilled to say that she's doing very well, but has a broken ear. I'm furious that it's her and not someone else. She was our show prospect and we were eyeballing some majors next spring.

Madame Queen said...

I made the turkey mistake when I was in college except that I tried to put a flimsy aluminum pan in the trash WITH the heavy turkey carcas still in it. The whole thing bent and dumped a ton of greasy fat all over my favorite shoes. Took forever to get the grease off and the smell out. Eau de Turkey Fat is NOT my signature scent!

Thanks so much for the ponytail holders for Punkin. I know I blogged about it, but that was really so, so sweet of you!

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

It's Christmas at The Rocking Pony! Woohoo! I gotta get off my butt and finish changing my template. Thanks for reminding me that I'm slacking.

Except for the nail through the foot thing, I do believe we live parallel lives. For example, the dog injury thing. There once were two dogs that thought they should fight. The little fuzzy one decided the best way to pummel the big strong one would be to bite at her legs. One little bite turned into a major gash (because big strong dog is also a big sissy dog). A call to the vet resulted in an appointment after the weekend. The remainder of the Friday passes by and human suddenly realizes that major gash is turning into big bump. Big bump keeps growing and growing and exactly one hour past the time that all vet offices close, breaks open. $800 later sissy dog is fine, but human is still really mad that the fight couldn't have happened on a Monday morning.

And don't even get me started on the yellow bile thing. GRRRRR!

Karen said...

Burgh Mom - Don't you just love dogs? (Can you hear the sarcasm?) I do, really, love them. But there are days when I wonder why I have more dogs than kids. As if the kids aren't driving me to insanity quick enough!

Karen said...

Madame Queen - Eau de Turkey Fat is not a good fragrance on anyone! haha You crack me up! EWWWWW is about all one can say. I think I would have tossed the shoes.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I do love them. When they are quiet, not in my way, not puking, not begging for food, not tracking mud/dirt/leaves in from outside, not fighting with one another, not running up and down the stairs like a herd of buffalo, and not stinky. While that only leaves about 4.2 seconds per day, I really love them during those 4.2 seconds.

Kellan said...

Sorry about your foot - hope it's better soon. This was a run-down on the story of my life - aside from the actual stepping on a rusty nail part - and most all the other actual details part - but the chaos and drama - so my life too. Hope you have a good weekend. See ya.