Warning: It's Going To Be Hysterically Unpleasant. I'd Rather Men Didn't Read. You've Been Warned.

I discovered a few years ago that skirts are cooler in summer than shorts are. I am in love with skirts. I have a large collection of them, and keep on collecting. The skirts in my closet are in many different sizes. The size I'm wearing now rank among some of the larger ones that I own.


But there is a downfall of wearing skirts in larger sizes. It's what you don't see that causes problems. While a skirt will allow air to circulate and cool, there is nothing between the thighs to keep them apart. I have decided that my thighs are named Hatfield and McCoy. They do not like each other, those thighs.

So you see where this is going, right? We'll just cut to the chase. Or chafe, as the case may be. After a particularly blistering day, I decided that I needed something to keep Hatfield and McCoy apart. The search was on.

I know what I want. I want spandex shorts.

I KNOW. Just stop laughing. But they'll be worn underneath skirts and nobody will ever know. Well, except for the entire internet. But that's beside the point. But the spandex? It'll be awesome. It'll be moisture absorbing, and rather coolish. Awesome.

Except that spandex shorts are rather hard to come by. Who knew? I know they're probably hanging by the dozens in sporting goods shops around the county, but I refuse to pay very much for them. I'm cheap that way.

And then I came across something that was rather spandex-like and rather shorts-like, and the price was right. The clincher was the Spanx tag. Dude. Spanx! I've heard good things of that name. Things like sucking in a whole clothing size, or two. Things like miraculous bulge-reduction. Things like making clothing fit. I bought it on the spot for $6. And from what I hear, that's a bargain.

I brought those things home and tried them on and the first thing that struck me was that the buggers were a wee bit on the warm side. I need cool, people! My thighs need to be cooled! Also, because of the Spanx thing, they're high topped. Being short waisted, the high tops go the whole way up to my bra line. THAT won't be hot in the dog days of summer. And also, it did zilch for the sucking in and bulge reduction. The tag says size G, which I'm taking as Grande. But not a Starbucks Grande; a Grande Large. Since I'm a comfortable size G, I thought they would be my size, but maybe I'm not so much a size G. That's good, right? So then why aren't they working at sucking in and holding tight? Are they a size G as in A, B, C, D, E, F, and then G? Because I could then see why they're not good in the bulge reduction department.

Clearly, I am Spanx illiterate.

I am back to looking for spandex shorts. Either that or mens boxer briefs. I'm thinking they might work in a pinch.


My name is Sarah said...

LOL!! I would never have what goes in those boxers to post this...but since you did...here's what we do. Buy a pair of Legg's sheer energy panty hose with tummy control and toes in them-for some reason they seem stronger. There is a point where the tummy/thigh control stops and where the sheer leg part starts. dark to light. Take a pair of scissors and cut the panty hose off at that point. voila - your own pair of spanx for a fraction of the cost and much more comfortable.

ok now here is the best part. save the two legs you just cut off and stuff them with ice remover next winter and lay them on your front steps. the ice melts but the white salty pellets don't come in the house because they stay in the nylon hose.

Suburban Correspondent said...

Last year I found some lace-trimmed stretchy bike shorts at Target. I wish I had bought a zillion pairs - I can't find them anymore. I use them for under skirts (same reason) and for pajamas.

the planet of janet said...

sarah is brilliant.

and karen is hilarious.

Molly said...

I don't wear skirts or dresses unless I have my trusty bike shorts on underneath. No idea where I got them but I can check the tag if you want! I love them.

also they have antichafing stuff too. I've never tried it.

Anonymous said...

Sarah is a total genius! And they have totally been running commercials out here for 'anit-chafing cream' - but for the life of me I cannot think of who makes it (though I am sure it is available at the local drug store.)

I am about *this close* to buying a pair of Spanx for my sister's wedding in August, but may now reconsider because of your experience!

(And as a sidenote . . . when I was 12 or 13 we went to a wedding in Minnesota in the middle of the summer. It was HOT. At one point during the reception, my mom, my aunt, and a few other assorted women were called to the ladies restroom to help my grandmother get her girdle back up! Do they even make girdles anymore?!)

The Zikes said...

I use cut of nylons too!! They work wonderfully. Nice way to recycle them after they runners begin!

Trisha said...

Too funny! I, too, and Spanx illiterate but I will share my skirt secret. I found some slips that are like shorts. They are nice and silky and airy but keep the thighs from rubbing. I have two pair (they weren't too expensive) and wear the heck out of them!

Carol N. said...

Karen, you crack me up! Love that you named your thighs - I named the bags under my eyes (Zippy and Lola).

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

Know what's funny? Pup had an actual Hatfield (or was it McCoy?) in his dorm at Notre Dame. And, Spanx are da bomb.

Karen Deborah said...

Go to your nearest sports attire shop like Fleet Feet and get some Body Glide. It's roll on lightweight and keeps everything free of chafing. No garments required.
the puppy.......sigh.....

Viv said...

I am so loathe to admit this...of course, it'll just be between you and me, right?

I use the boxers, and indeed I use my hubby's old boxers at that. How is that for cheap?