We were married just over 1 year. We were chatting with friends at church, my husband with some friends and I was with another group of friends. In my group of friends was an older gentleman (almost old enough to be my father, but completely hip and cool nonetheless) and 2 couples my age. So we were there chatting and having a good time when this older gentleman pulls something out of his coat pocket and hands it to me.
He says, "I think you forgot these."
I looked at what was in his hand. It was a pair of panties. Ladies panties. They very well could have been MY panties, and he was handing them to me. And said I'd forgotten them. In front of other people. In public. In church!
You've no idea how my mind was swirling. I was thinking things like, "when on earth did I take off my underwear at their house?" "Why would I have left my underwear at their house?" (And I have to throw in here that the stinky dog owner who I've linked to at the top is the same guy who just handed me underwear in church, in front of friends.) And "did I leave my underwear there when I was stinky? I don't remember that, so why would I have done it?" "HOW DID HE GET HIS HANDS ON MY UNDER PANTIES?!" And with each new thought my face turned yet another shade of red. I think I hit the entire color wheel from yellow to red to green and back down through before the episode ended. And of course, the worst of all was that it looked exactly like we'd been having an affair and it wasn't even private anymore. (Can I tell you right here and now that I've never even thought of cheating on my husband, even after 15 years? Not even with a movie star hottie.) Oh, the mortification!!
And you know, after all these years, I cannot for the life of me remember what happened next. I don't know if laughing ensued, if my friends were too stunned to do more than just stare open-mouthed, or if I ran screaming from the building. (I'm going with a NO on the last option.) I only remember The Most Embarrasing Moment of My Entire Life was when I was handed panties in church, was kinda sorta accused of letting them lay around someone else's house and had them returned to me in the most embarrasing setting one could ever think of. And there's no doubt that they were mine. I am only grateful that they were one of the grannie panties that I will insist on wearing every now and then and not something else.
So... this guy calls me the next day to apologize if he's embarrassed me, and I get the story behind the holy public panties. I'm very grateful for this because I'd still be laying awake at night wondering where on earth he got my panties from.
His sister and her husband had started going to the gym. Said sister would meet her hubbs at the gym after work. He'd insisted on packing his own gym bag and taking to work with him so that she wouldn't have to do it for him. One day he forgot. As she was packing things into his bag she found a pair of ladies underwear that clearly did not belong to her. No wonder he was packing his own bag! They'd nearly gotten divorced many years previous because of his philandering and obviously he was at it again. After all these years! She was going to kill him! And then file for divorce. And follow through with it this time.
She called her sister-in-law. (Wife of man who handed me panties.) SIL talked her into putting the gun down. Then came over to discuss and look at found panties. Surely the accused husband wouldn't be cheating. That chapter of his life closed. You're sure they're not yours? Could they be your daughter's? Wait, didn't Sam and Karen borrow a duffel bag from you last time they traveled? That looks about her size, doesn't it?
And we did, in fact, borrow this unfortunate friend's duffel last time we traveled. I remember this well because as we were loading the luggage at the airport to fly back home I saw something sticking out of a large box of things we had packed. Good lands, it was my underwear! How embarrasing would that be for the whole world to see them waving like a tiny white flag? I hastily grabbed them and tucked them into the carry-on I had with me. This in itself is not mortifying enough, knowing they were later found. Sadly, the story goes on.
We had a flight delay in Denver which made us miss our connection in Seattle. We were put up for the night by the airline (since it was their fault) and only had the carry-ons for backup clothing, toothbrushes and the like. (No toothbrushes, sadly. But I did have hairspray. It was fresh off the 80's and a necessity of life.) AND I had clean underwear because I remembered that pair that almost escaped at the beginning of our trip. I was all smug and fresh in my clean underwear the next morning while my husband was forced to wear day old.
Turns out he was the smug one because not only were my panties found months later in a most humiliating affair, but they were day old and not so fresh.
Have you entered the contest? The one where I'm giving away a Rocking Pony original shirt? If you haven't, scroll on down to the post below and do that. The winner will be announced on Wednesday. And I need to say at this point that if you haven't read the entries you've gotta set aside a few hours and be sure to get that done. Forget the kids; let them eat dog food. It's that kind of worth it. (And let me just say right now that I promise that I will catch up on reading all of your wonderful blogs eventually. For now I'm swamped with these humiliating stories.)
**And let me just say that any story posted will be in the drawing. How on earth would I be able to choose between flaming nipples or being stripped by goats in public? Or worse?!**
I had no idea people could live through such humiliation and then have the guts to tell about it. I am in awe of what some of you people have done. I cannot even muster up any humor to say this, because I am in shock and awe of what I've read. And read I did. I read until my eyes were blurry with tears, until my children asked repeatedly what was so funny, until I wet myself and had to go change. To quote Cecily, this was a freakin' genius idea! And although Cecily said that she is pulling herself out of this contest because she just can't compare, I beg to differ. Hers is not so much cheek-reddening embarrasment, but more like the worst day ever. Still, I chuckle at the thought of Cecily skipping down the busiest street in town with dear little Gracie.
And there's another giveaway over at Manic Mommy's blog. It's way better than mine, and will cost you something even more precious than your vanity. If you give blood and post a picture of it, you're in. Go there and get the skinny. And save some lives. Go!