Holy Public Panties!

We were married just over 1 year. We were chatting with friends at church, my husband with some friends and I was with another group of friends. In my group of friends was an older gentleman (almost old enough to be my father, but completely hip and cool nonetheless) and 2 couples my age. So we were there chatting and having a good time when this older gentleman pulls something out of his coat pocket and hands it to me.

He says, "I think you forgot these."

I looked at what was in his hand. It was a pair of panties. Ladies panties. They very well could have been MY panties, and he was handing them to me. And said I'd forgotten them. In front of other people. In public. In church!

You've no idea how my mind was swirling. I was thinking things like, "when on earth did I take off my underwear at their house?" "Why would I have left my underwear at their house?" (And I have to throw in here that the stinky dog owner who I've linked to at the top is the same guy who just handed me underwear in church, in front of friends.) And "did I leave my underwear there when I was stinky? I don't remember that, so why would I have done it?" "HOW DID HE GET HIS HANDS ON MY UNDER PANTIES?!" And with each new thought my face turned yet another shade of red. I think I hit the entire color wheel from yellow to red to green and back down through before the episode ended. And of course, the worst of all was that it looked exactly like we'd been having an affair and it wasn't even private anymore. (Can I tell you right here and now that I've never even thought of cheating on my husband, even after 15 years? Not even with a movie star hottie.) Oh, the mortification!!

And you know, after all these years, I cannot for the life of me remember what happened next. I don't know if laughing ensued, if my friends were too stunned to do more than just stare open-mouthed, or if I ran screaming from the building. (I'm going with a NO on the last option.) I only remember The Most Embarrasing Moment of My Entire Life was when I was handed panties in church, was kinda sorta accused of letting them lay around someone else's house and had them returned to me in the most embarrasing setting one could ever think of. And there's no doubt that they were mine. I am only grateful that they were one of the grannie panties that I will insist on wearing every now and then and not something else.

So... this guy calls me the next day to apologize if he's embarrassed me, and I get the story behind the holy public panties. I'm very grateful for this because I'd still be laying awake at night wondering where on earth he got my panties from.

His sister and her husband had started going to the gym. Said sister would meet her hubbs at the gym after work. He'd insisted on packing his own gym bag and taking to work with him so that she wouldn't have to do it for him. One day he forgot. As she was packing things into his bag she found a pair of ladies underwear that clearly did not belong to her. No wonder he was packing his own bag! They'd nearly gotten divorced many years previous because of his philandering and obviously he was at it again. After all these years! She was going to kill him! And then file for divorce. And follow through with it this time.

She called her sister-in-law. (Wife of man who handed me panties.) SIL talked her into putting the gun down. Then came over to discuss and look at found panties. Surely the accused husband wouldn't be cheating. That chapter of his life closed. You're sure they're not yours? Could they be your daughter's? Wait, didn't Sam and Karen borrow a duffel bag from you last time they traveled? That looks about her size, doesn't it?

And we did, in fact, borrow this unfortunate friend's duffel last time we traveled. I remember this well because as we were loading the luggage at the airport to fly back home I saw something sticking out of a large box of things we had packed. Good lands, it was my underwear! How embarrasing would that be for the whole world to see them waving like a tiny white flag? I hastily grabbed them and tucked them into the carry-on I had with me. This in itself is not mortifying enough, knowing they were later found. Sadly, the story goes on.

We had a flight delay in Denver which made us miss our connection in Seattle. We were put up for the night by the airline (since it was their fault) and only had the carry-ons for backup clothing, toothbrushes and the like. (No toothbrushes, sadly. But I did have hairspray. It was fresh off the 80's and a necessity of life.) AND I had clean underwear because I remembered that pair that almost escaped at the beginning of our trip. I was all smug and fresh in my clean underwear the next morning while my husband was forced to wear day old.

Turns out he was the smug one because not only were my panties found months later in a most humiliating affair, but they were day old and not so fresh.

**************


Have you entered the contest? The one where I'm giving away a Rocking Pony original shirt? If you haven't, scroll on down to the post below and do that. The winner will be announced on Wednesday. And I need to say at this point that if you haven't read the entries you've gotta set aside a few hours and be sure to get that done. Forget the kids; let them eat dog food. It's that kind of worth it. (And let me just say right now that I promise that I will catch up on reading all of your wonderful blogs eventually. For now I'm swamped with these humiliating stories.)

**And let me just say that any story posted will be in the drawing. How on earth would I be able to choose between flaming nipples or being stripped by goats in public? Or worse?!**


I had no idea people could live through such humiliation and then have the guts to tell about it. I am in awe of what some of you people have done. I cannot even muster up any humor to say this, because I am in shock and awe of what I've read. And read I did. I read until my eyes were blurry with tears, until my children asked repeatedly what was so funny, until I wet myself and had to go change. To quote Cecily, this was a freakin' genius idea! And although Cecily said that she is pulling herself out of this contest because she just can't compare, I beg to differ. Hers is not so much cheek-reddening embarrasment, but more like the worst day ever. Still, I chuckle at the thought of Cecily skipping down the busiest street in town with dear little Gracie.


And there's another giveaway over at Manic Mommy's blog. It's way better than mine, and will cost you something even more precious than your vanity. If you give blood and post a picture of it, you're in. Go there and get the skinny. And save some lives. Go!

24 comments:

The Sports Mama said...

Um, yeah. That beats my pregnant self getting stuck in the toilet while Coach stood in the doorway laughing. :)

Tootsie Farklepants said...

Yeah....I'm embarrassed FOR you!

kimmy said...

What a story...and church of all places. It just doesn't get any better than that! Thanks for sharing!

Kimmy

Flea said...

How hideous! I've been known to curl up under the nearest bed after things like that (not quite willing to share THAT story yet). How many years of therapy did that set you back?

THE MOM BOMB said...

Oh, for God's sake. Why did he even have to return the panties to you? It's not as if it was a watch or jewelry. And why in church? He could have even mailed them to you. I'm mentally smacking him for you.

My most embarrassing moments have always involved gas. I'm full of it. Once in college, we were in an exam room and it was dead quiet. I was nervous and not in a good place, let's say, intestinally speaking. So I farted, and everyone heard it, and everyone started laughing under their breath, and I just wanted to die.

Maria said...

Oh yeah, that's embarrassing! I loved hearing everyone else's stories! I really can't think of anything that compares, luckily, right?
Maria

Melissa said...

Oh man, at least my pavement panties were clean...holy public panties....ouch!!

jessica said...

oh goodness!! that is all i can say!

caramama said...

I cannot believe he would just hand them to you like that! He should be the one embarrassed. Can you buy him a copy of Miss Manners and hand it to him in front of everyone at church? ;-)

That's pretty crazy, though. And definitely embarrassing.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I think you should get to enter your own contest!!

Hallie :)

Shellie said...

THAT WAS HILARIOUS!!! Too bad you can't win your own contest.

Cecily R said...

First of all, thanks for linking to my most awesome of days post.

Secondly, you ARE a freakin' genious!

And third, HOLY CRAP. Yea, you register on the embarrassing scale.

Not to be a meanie or anything, but reading it made me laugh so much that Gracie tore herself away from her current art project to ask me what I was laughing at. I just said, "Oh, my friend is funny!"

OHmommy said...

Ha, ha... oh my gosh!!! Are you serious? Oh man, I am still laughing!

Kellan said...

See - once you tell someone your story you have to remember that they will never forget it or let you forget it!! Too funny - I don't have anything like that - is it that I'm just dull and boring - maybe. Take care Karen - see you soon. Kellan

Michelle said...

ok that is funny! and embarassing! What would make that guy think he could just hand you a pair of your panties, in front of a group of other people, in church, like that!? What was he thinking! Put them in a bag at least and approach you when you're alone AND explain how he even ended up with them!

Pam said...

Ha! That was funny! Thanks for sharing. I am not sure my stories compare to that...but at least I tried! ;) Sorry they gave you your undies in church! Someone should have thought that through before handing them over in church!

girlymom said...

This is funny! I feel so sorry for you, it's almost as if you are embarrassed writting it for all to read. I cannot imagine what I would do in that situation except get bright red and slur words.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

That WOULD be embarrassing, but I still don't think it holds a candle to Blue's story. That one still has me realing and I read it HOURS ago!

Karen said...

Burgh, I completely agree. I just read one that was caught in the shower, but to actually have the family listen - knowing what was going on - and not turn it off is just a whole new level of humiliation.

Karen said...

Kellan - I understand that nobody will ever forget this, and there's no worry that I will either. The shame will live on forever.

brneyedgal967 said...

Bwaahahaha. Oh you hussy, c'mon, dish the real dirt. Just teasing - that is sooooo funny. Didn't you just want to dig a hole right there and stick your head (and your undies) in it?

Still laughing...
Tammy

KIDZMAMA said...

I would love to participate in all this embarrassment, but sadly I have nothing to share. I even checked with hubby if there was a story I was missing. Nada. Nothing.

utmomof5 said...

Good story! I am so sorry you had to endure that.
I am still to chicken to share my moment with the world, it was 14 years ago and it still maked me blush. Plus I am pretty sure soem of th other stories soooo bet my story.

Christina

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

Oopsy! That's pretty bad.