I've Let It Go To The Dogs

I love dogs. That's a no-brainer considering that we have one or two of them here.


In fact, I love many many dogs. I'm not sure that I could just choose one breed and go with it for the rest of my life. It would be like just having a Mocha when Starbucks has so, so much more to offer. And they're all equally fabulous, so why limit yourself?

There are, however, a few dogs that I really don't care to ever own. Personal preferences dictate likes and dislikes and I apologize to anyone if you have the misfortune to own one of these things if I offend you with my not-so-much list.

Poodles are my original why would you even? kind of dogs. Sorry. Just can't get past the froo-doo.

The afghan hound is a very graceful dog but the thing just looks kinda freaktacular to me. Not my favorite either.

Bulldogs have a face only their own mother could love. I'm not sure if that includes the human parents or not. And you know what's even more weird? I love those things. They were on my must-have list for decades but I've since come to my senses and have decided to lust after them from a distance. I own vicariously through others.

The chihuahua is not really a dog; it's an overgrown, domesticized rat. Someone became aware of this and smacked it with a 2x4 from the back of the head, making it's eyes bulge. It's ancestors are still experiencing the after effects of this. In case you haven't figured it out, chewa-chewas rank somewhere below snakes on the list of dogs I want someday. And really - if you want to dress something up in cutesy clothes and tuck it under your arm, get yourself a creepy doll.

A Chinese Crested is a chihuahua with mange problems. It so happened that all the hair got scratched off except for a combover on top of it's head and Clydesdale fringe on the legs. Somehow people found this to be an attractive quality, reproduced it on a mass scale, and got the AKC to recognize it as a breed. It is hypoallergenic though. Because it has no hair.

The Irish Wolfhound is probably one of the most unusually ugly dogs you'll encounter. It looks like a wolf stretched to unreal proportions sporting Groucho Marx eyebrows. I will own one of these someday. I have no idea why I have an ongoing love affair with them but the call of the Wolfhound is a strong one.

Nothings says huge quite like a mastiff. These things are massive in every way. Their feet will crush yours, a toddler's head can comfortably fit inside their mouth, their tail can take you out at the knees and disable you forever, and their drool forms ponds on the floor. Don't forget that what goes in must come out. That's huge, too. My sister has 2 of these in a teeny tiny little cottage of a house. Her daughter uses them as jungle gyms.

Five guesses what the heck this thing is, and what direction it's headed. And yes, it is a dog. A super cool one at that. Those dreadlocks? Are natural. Oh, yeh.

If a bulldog has a face only a mother could love, then that leaves exactly nobody to love this. Seriously, that is a special kind of ugly going on right there. Ouch. Not a fan. And I say that in the kindest way possible.

But enough with the breed study. Dogs are a part of our every day life. (Some of us experience that a little more than others. We got to visit the vet again today! Ah, there's nothing like the sound of my money being ripped from the checkbook and handed over the counter.) Just take a gander at these pictures. They all tell the story of how dogs are such an integral part of our lives.

The first day of school is never complete without a celebration of sorts. The utter shock and horror on the face of the youngest tells all. But the real question is why wasn't that cropped out?! Wonder if they got pictures of the resulting puppies posing with the family for the annual Christmas portrait?

Bunch of hot dogs. I may not be a fan of the Pug, but clearly the humiliation is evident here. Why would you do that to your dog? What? Did they think that someone would hand out free hot dogs or something?

Our first dump day at the beach. We all had a blast.

Ronald McRuff. Wonder where he's located? And why he's never made an appearance with Ronald? Maybe that's what Ronald reincarnated into. At least he moved up in the world.

I think Windy here has gone on a few too many car rides with the windows down. Apparently he didn't heed his mother's warning that his face would freeze like that someday.

This has to be a photoshop, right? Because that is just kinda, um, indescribable. I'll bet he could lick himself without even turning his head. Yeh, makes you want to wretch a little when he reaches across a room with that thing to give you a big wet one.

Apparently Elvis has not left the building. He's now sniffing butts for a living.

Mrs. Porter wanted to model her lingerie for her husband while he was away on a business trip, but worried that he would not be able to view it from a company's computer. Thank goodness Francesca walked into the room at that very moment.

Oh. My. Word. Are there words for this? This poor thing is an ancestor to the Chinese Cresteds I think. I'm pretty sure that it's a dog. It could be a razorback hog. I just know that I'd lock up the women and children if that thing showed up in my yard. Oh, wait. I'm the women.


Karen Deborah said...

This is stinkin hilarious. By the way you won my contest. STANDARD Poodles are the best dog on earth. Go back in my old posts and read about my Rasmus. You will cry. Haircuts do not a dog make.

anglophilefootballfanatic.com said...

I know! I know! It's a Puli!

Karen said...

Oh my, how did you find so many unique dog pictures? Some of them had me laughing so hard I started snorting.

Nap Warden said...

Ummm...I'm a cat person;)

Tranny Head said...

Dude - I have total bulldog lust. I WANT WANT WANT one. I know they drool, smell God-awful, and fart excessively. I don't care. MUST have.

As for the rodent - I mean chihuaha? Eww.

But I will say I happen to like the Chinese Crested - because of their shiteousness. There's this annual ugly dog contest and one particular dog was the winner every year. Here's some info on the contest: http://animal.discovery.com/convergence/ugly_dog/uglydog.html

And here's the long-time winner. No, not photoshopped.http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/uglydog.asp

utmomof5 said...

I am such a dog person -- but none of those dogs!! Okay maybe the mastiff. But only if I hired someone to pick up the poop. I have heard they are the sweetest most gentle dogs. Great photos!!

Colleen said...

It's a Puli, right? Those things are hilarious-looking. And I thought they were born with little rastafarian hats? no?

I kinda feel bad for that last dog, though...looks like he used to be an Australian Cattle Dog (or Aussie Sheep dog...both are kinda spotty, right?) before his hair fell out and he got sunburn. :(

Debbie Yost said...

My hubby had a bulldog for a short time. When you are not a dog person, a bulldog is not the dog you want! Now I work at an office where the owner's son has a bulldog. He comes to the office sometimes. The dog kept biting my toes. Eeww. However, I will say that the dog we owned and my co-worker's dog are really nice dogs. If you like them. I can't deal with all that slobber.

Anonymous said...

I am about 95% sure that when Bear kicks it we will become one of those families that hates their children and thus deprives them of pets, though I must admit that I religiously watch dog shows (the competition ones with judges) on the prowl for what might be the perfect dog. I love seeing all of the different breeds - I am with you on all of your rejects, and must add cocker spaniels to the list . . . they are so darn cute and affectionate, but I have never met one that could holds its pee when it got too excited. My kids are like that too.

Michelle said...

That's a lot of dogs I'd never own, too (ok, I won't own a dog because I can't pick up after it -- second time I've typed that tonight!).

But ummmm growing up we had toy poodles. Because they don't shed. But we NEVER ever did the poodle cut. I think it was called the teddy bear cut. We just let it grow out and then trimmed it a bit. Kind of like a Puli but no dreds and not as long.

I meant to ask, too -- any more puppies in the pipeline?

Poltzie said...

Thanks for this post, LOL for real!

Tootsie Farklepants said...

I swear that Chinese Crested looks like a rooster.

We have an Irish Wolfhound in the neighborhood and the first time I saw it, which was the first time I'd ever seen one period, I thought it was a pony.

Caution Flag said...

We're pretty sure now that our new LAB is part Chihuahua. No kidding. We are looking at it as an opportunity to extend grace to a less fortunate creature.

Trisha said...

Even though I have a cat ( and soon to get another), I love dogs and this post is wonderful. That last one looks like he has the mange. Get him to a vet - quick!

Anonymous said...

I'll take a lab mix or a blue heeler any day!

the planet of janet said...


the 2x4 to the back of the rat had me spraying vanilla latte all over my keyboard.

please issue a liquid-spewing alert before you do this again!!!

Burgh Baby said...

@Trannyhead--Dude, I'll make you a GREAT deal on a Bulldog!

I want a Puli. I always have. If not that, then a Havenese. I love me some long-haired pups.

Andrea said...

I would love a mastiff. I love big dogs. But the one you found in that picture has to be the biggest one I ahve ever seen. That is just not normal!!

My husband is going to get a bulldog. He is in love with bulldogs. I am more of a lab lover, but it's his turn to get a dog. We can only have two at a time. I can't handle more than that.

Fun post, you had me smiling like always!!

My boys are Army Brats said...

I have never seen a mastiff that big! Good golly he'd hurt someone! I would love love love to have a big dog but since I don't handle kid drool so well I'm pretty sure the doggie drool would send me over the edge....of the toilet!

I have a cocker/lab mix and a cocker/lhasa apso mix and we're good with that! Let someone else own the ugly smelly dogs we've got enough problems!

caramama said...

The dreadlock dog has to be a Puli! I think they are awesome! I also love the bulldog and am in complete love with the mastiff. My husband, however, refuses to have a dog who could "take him" so no mastiffs or even great danes. But the other night, while watching our alma mater UGA's mascoat (a bulldog), he said that we should get a bulldog next! I don't think he realizes what he is in for...

Shellie said...

I laughed so hard at that, I have to agree on some of those. The Chinese Crested is as creepy as the dolls any day! And the dreadlock dog, looks like it got attacked by clothespins!