Ma'am, Your Backside Is Wet

Since I'm still not talking about the weekend, I'll at least give you this tidbit. Since I'm finding this all kinds of humorous, it might give you an idea of how rotten the last two days really were.

Oh - and men? You might just want to go elsewhere to read today. I'm just saying.


I have a cold. Actually, it's like the Mother of All Sinus Drainages. That drainage tickles the back of my throat like you can't imagine, and I know this because I've had colds with drainage before and have never experienced anything of this magnitude. Therefore, you haven't either. This tickle is further aggravated by lauging, talking, cold air, and sometimes even breathing. When the drainage is aggravated, I hack. A lot. And then the hacking further aggravates the drainage and causes more hacking. I hack up lungs (I'm beginning to think they must be a renewable organ), I hack up phleghm, I hack up bits of raw throat pieces... It ain't purty.

I have a weak bladder. This was inherited from my mother, who inherited it from her mother. Giving birth to four children the au naturelle way did not help this condition. In fact, it made it worse. I frequently pee myself when I jump (when I say I don't do trampolines, please believe me), run (I'm not really into sports, can you guess why?), sneeze, or cough. If I cross my legs before I sneeze or cough, it generally prevents an accident. Until now. I've taken to wearing panty liners because I just don't have enough underwear to endure the constant hacking courtesy of the Mother of All Sinus Drainages.

So today I'm in a public restroom, and was kinda glad I was alone in there. As I pulled off my panty liner and wrapped it in TP to put into the box on the wall, I hacked up a snot ball. (It was gross, thanks for asking.) I had the brilliant idea that I would just spit that honker in the toilet because I could clearly see water between my legs and it would be the quickest solution. But I didn't factor in the D Twins. Till I craned out over them I ended up spitting in my underwear.

Awww, crap. That's just nasty. (Like nothing else yet has been.)

So before that nasty soaked in, my first thought was to get it off. (duh) I used the TP that was in my hand, wiped it well, and tossed it into the toilet. Well, that wasn't as bad as it could have been. I got another panty liner from my purse, applied it, and tossed the paper backing in the box on the wall. Wait, I don't remember tossing the used liner.

Awwww, crap. Well, I'm not fishing it out.

And then I hack up another phleghm ball. (I'm all sorts of sexy at this point, no?) I know the last Spitting of the Ball was an epic fail, but I knew how to correct this time. Plus the toilet paper was way up in and getting an end in a hurry was not going to happen. If I didn't spit soon I'd barf, and that would be way worse. I leaned out over the girls and dropped that ball into my panties. Again.

This is not my day, is it?

It had sufficient time to soak in by the time I was able to find and fish out the end of toilet paper from the bowels of the Great Toilet Paper Holder. I wiped it off, but the damage was already done. I felt the wet on my backside as I stood up and pulled myself together.

I didn't even have a toddler to blame things on.