Let The Fruit Flies Die

The fruit flies are way out of hand this year. It's not like we even have fruit around. My poor kids are in withdrawal from lack of fruit, but it's for the best. It's either refrain from having fruits that sit on the counter for a week or two, or take the risk of being eaten alive while we sleep some night. I'm not sure if fruit flies would actually eat someone alive, but at least one of us would probably have heart failure if we found ourselves covered from head to toe in fruit flies.

Clearly, something needs to be done.

Dr. Google told us that the best fruit fly trap was vinegar with a bit of dish soap mixed in, sitting in a bowl on the counter. We discovered this a few years ago, and it effectively took care of our tiny bug problem. Since then, however, it's not been as effective. I'm fairly certain that on the tiny tombstones of deceased fruit flies there are strict instructions to stay away from vinegar in bowls. Those bowls now sit there all awkward like wondering what their purpose in life is, because nary a fruit fly looks their way.

I had a wonderful little thing that I picked up at Walmart that looks like a miniature apple with liquid bait inside a hole in the top, and fruit flies died by the dozens from drinking of the nectar of that poisonous apple. I haven't seen them on the shelves of any store since that summer. That option is no longer viable, either.

So here we are, in the midst of one of the worst fruit fly infestations we've ever experienced, and nothing seems to be available to help us. It was time to take matters into our own hands. We realized that the flies are attracted to light colors, so we put the vinegar concoction in white bowls, and added real fruit.

Nada.

We did, however, kill a few dozen by sneaking up behind them when they were perched on the rim of those bowls (merely resting, not contemplating suicide) and then blowing them down into the sea of death. Those are the only ones floating in the vinegar, but they're dead so we're happy. And while that was semi-effective, it's not a feasible option to blow every fruit fly into a bowl of death. We'd collapse from hyperventilation.

The nephew got really creative and made a fruit fly swatter. I have no idea what the base of this thing was (and don't really want to know, because my head would probably explode) but it was about the size of a tennis racket with a very short handle. It was covered completely in duck tape, then soaked with dish soap. He'd swat that thing through the air after Becky stirred up a nesting herd of flies. I think he caught a total of half a dozen. That was a big fat fail. But he got an A+ for creativity.

Then there was the one evening when I was on the patio and thought I saw a flash of light in the house. Nobody touches mama's camera, so I knew it wasn't a flash, and the lights were on so a phone's camera wouldn't be flashing. And that's when my mind was all, "wait a minute. The lights are on in the house and I still saw a bright flash. This does not compute." But as I didn't see it again, I figured whatever happened wasn't horrible and was done anyway.

And then I heard animated chatter and laughing. If you're the parent of teens, you know that this means kids are up to no good whatsoever.

That's when I decided to head indoors to see what was going down. You guys, the boys have found the most effective means of killing off fruit flies ever. You wait until they all nest for the night on the potted violet on the counter, and scorch them with a blast from the blow torch. Instant death of dozens at a clip. Also instant death to a leaf or two of the violet. And a possible hazard of burning the house down, which is why I promptly said, "uhhhhh, put that thing away. Now." I'm such a kill joy that way, but I prefer having a place to sleep at night.

So we're still being overrun with fruit flies. They'll eventually die, right?