Even when its not so much.
Darla's milk hasn't come in, which means I'm bottle feeding puppies. This terrifies me in ways I'm trying not to think about. These puppies are a very needed part of our annual income. Losing even one would hurt on so many levels. And I don't have a good track record bottle feeding. To be blunt, I suck at it. I can't lose even a single puppy. I just can't. And two are already sold. How on earth would you tell someone that you let their puppy die, here is your deposit back?! The answer is, you just don't let the puppies die. I learned to intubate yesterday, and feeding has become....different. Not easier, that's for sure. Not faster. But there is a sure confidence in knowing how much a puppy is eating, and that it's eating well. And I've watched their coats become more lustrous and healthy, and that's a good thing. A very good thing. They're growing fat, and that too is a very good thing.
Still, I suck at this, and am terrified of failure. And on a much, much, MUCH smaller note, there are other things to consider. Like, what if her milk never comes in and I feed for the next month? I have a wedding to photograph in Texas in 2 weeks. There's no stress there or anything. And with the intense sleep deprivation I'll be enduring I'm always susceptible to sickness. I'm just coming off a sinus infection, and Becky is struggling with mono. Do you know how that would suck, to have mono and need to sleep, and have to be up every 120 minutes to feed babies 'round the clock?
And then there's that huge, HUGE thing of Becky struggling with mono. I had no idea that it was such a painful virus. She can't swallow without intense pain, and therefore has a hard time eating even applesauce and jell-o. Her pain meds aren't doing much in the way of alleviating pain. She's vomiting randomly, puking up pills that may or may not be working. It's miserable to watch. I can't even begin to imagine how she actually feels. I hurt, knowing that she hurts. And I feel very, very helpless. That's never a good feeling as a parent. Sam took her to the emergency room this evening to try to get some pain relief, and we learned that she's suffering from a staph infection in addition to mono. Her level of discomfort must be Threshold Of Hell. She is a bridesmaid in the wedding I am photographing, and we're so desperately hoping that she's feeling better in 2 weeks. Less for the wedding's sake and far, FAR more so for her sake. Living like this for 2 weeks would be horrific. Longer would be more than I can think about. And of course, if she's still miserable in 2 weeks, the wedding won't even be a consideration.
Life was never promised to be easy, was it? But that's what God is for. He's there to get us through the tough times, because He loves us so much more than we love our kids. And as a parent, that's hard to imagine.
Tonight, the weather is perfect. I'm sitting on the patio listening to the birds joyously singing and watching the sun sink lower into the hills, casting shadows that grow longer by the minute. The grass is so green, which is still a little amazing to me after the long and cold winter we had. Spring is always a miracle, and some years we appreciate it a little more than other years. This year, I'm rejoicing over the growing of weeds, because there is no snow to contend with anymore, and anything living and growing is a good thing. The dogs are playing tag on the lawn and enjoying an evening outdoors every bit as much as I am. I never tire of watching my dogs play.
I wish every evening could be this perfect. Despite daily circumstances, I have such a good life, and so very little to complain about. At the end of the day, I like to count my blessings and rejoice that we had another day together as family, because life has ups and downs all the time, but in the end it's what you make it that counts.
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