And Sometimes You Get Exactly What You Ask For

You know how you have some memories that you'll just never, ever forget? I've got one. When I am suffering from Alzheimers, I will recall this Christmas memory with perfect clarity, because one of the quirks of that disease is that you remember things from your childhood. This one? Is priceless.



Bless her heart, my mother is practical. When I was old enough to buy gifts for my family all on my own, but not yet old enough to know a whole lot about the world around me, I asked mom what she wanted for Christmas.

Remember, I said I wasn't all that old. Don't get all up in my hair for saying one shouldn't ask someone what they want for the holidays. Just keep reading.

My mother didn't hesitate to say that she needed new underwear. I think I may have turned a bit pinkish, and I know for a fact that I was kinda outraged. Who gets their mother underwear for Christmas? And why would I even want to? That would be a punishment if I found underwear in my stocking, not a present.

But after a few days of deliberation (I was young. A few days is forever.) I decided that if that's what she asked for, and what she really needed and wanted, then it would indeed be a gift that was appreciated at it's full value. Not one that would be remembered for all eternity, but I'd kinda prefer that my mom not walk around and say "the underwear I have on now were a gift from my middle daughter that wonderful Christmas of '81. Ahhh, the mileage I've gotten out of these."

So being the child that always tried to please, I got myself to Newberry's Department Store, went up the escalator into the crowded upper floor, and found the underwear bin. Oh, the underwear choices to be had! I had no idea. There were pink ones, and white ones, and large ones, and small ones...

I personally was drawn to the prints, but thought my mom should probably have white. When I folded laundry that's what I saw most often, so I knew that was always a winner. White it was! But what size? I asked the saleslady for help since she was hovering somewhere over my left shoulder wondering why on earth a girl was perusing the women's underwear. She suggested something and we both headed to the counter.

I took those things home, stealthily hid inside my coat. It isn't like she didn't request them, but how was she to know I'd actually pull the trigger on them? There has to be some element of surprise in the gift giving. I carefully wrapped them, slapped a label on there, peeled the sticky back off a bow and eagerly awaited Christmas morning. Oh, this would be good. It also might teach her not to ask for underwear again. Let it be noted: sometimes you get exactly what you ask for. Bwahahaha!!!

Christmas morning comes, we exchange gifts, we commence to opening, and mom pulls out underwear. My sisters hoot and howl, and I had a fair amount of satisfaction both in the knowledge that I got her a gift that she truly wanted, and taught a lesson that one should never ask for underwear as a gift. But when my sisters and I were done slapping each other on the backs and wiping tears, we noticed that mom was all shades of uncomfortable, and dad was chuckling very merrily under his breath.

Turns out that I chose a pack of thongs for my mother for Christmas. Way back then I didn't even know what they were or that they existed. We all wore granny panties, so how was I to know? It truly was an innocent mistake.

But that learned her. She never asked for underwear as a gift again.